By Poonam Sharma
Very young children exude authenticity. They speak their minds,
express their emotions generously, and radiate tremendous energy.
They are comfortable in their own skin and delight in their own
uniqueness and that of others. We canï¿½t help but be drawn to these
Over time, life has a way of chipping away at our authenticity.
The world continually bombards us with messages about how we must
behave in order to be accepted. Our parents teach us the things
we have to do to be a ï¿½goodï¿½ boy or girl. The media tells us how
to dress, what to eat, and how to be ï¿½cool.ï¿½ Whatï¿½s ï¿½in fashionï¿½
changes constantly, so it's hard work to keep up.
This sea of influence around us makes it all to easy to lose
touch with ourselves. Do you still know exactly what you like and
donï¿½t like? Do you still feel comfortable voicing your opinions
openly? Do you dress in ways that feel right to you? Or are you
so out of touch with yourself that you automatically transform yourself
to gain acceptance?
There certainly is no shame in wanting to fit in or to belong.
It is a very human need that runs deep within all of us. For those
who have been hurt by others, acceptance may be exactly what we
need to start healing. However, the danger is that when we regularly
sacrifice our true selves for this acceptance, we start to live
a lie. As with all lies, they take a tremendous amount of energy
Putting a false self out there day after day drains you emotionally,
physically, and spiritually. ï¿½Faking itï¿½ over and over can lead
to deep sadness, feelings of emptiness, and a sense of being alone.
Sadly, the fear of rejection can keep your true self imprisoned
within you. By living inauthentically, we all support a ï¿½cookie
cutterï¿½ culture where none of us really feel free to express the
real person within us.
To experience life fully, you must get back in touch with your
real self. Start by asking yourself some very basic questions, such
*Who am I when no one else is around?
*Who am I when others are present?
*What is most important to me?
*Do I behave in ways that reflect my values?
*Do I typically express my true feelings?
*When do I feel most comfortable showing up as myself?
*When do I have a tendency to run and hide? Why?
*What price do I pay when Iï¿½m not real?
*When do I feel energized?
*If I could be myself all the time, what would my life look like?
Answers to these questions can give you important clues about
how much work it will take to excavate your true self. For some
people, the real self has been hurt so early in life that their
work is less about excavation and more about having a chance to
develop an authentic self in the first place.
Certainly, learning to express your true self takes courage and
involves some emotional risk. Not everyone will be comfortable with
the ï¿½realï¿½ you. You may lose some relationships in the process,
but most likely you will find that these are relationships that
tend to drain you anyway.
10 Ways to
Try these tips for developing the real you:
1. Risk telling a friend or loved one what you really think next
time you are asked your opinion.
2. When you are with a group that is trying to make a decision,
let your true choice be heard.
3. Find a safe way to practice expressing your real thoughts
and feelings, such as in a journal or to your pet.
4. Think of one thing youï¿½ve never told anyone else and share
it with someone who is usually supportive of you.
5. Make a list of your core values and determine if your life
6. Do more of the things that bring energy into your life.
7. Take some quiet time to meditate or reflect, so you can be
more in touch with your inner voice.
8. Develop a talent you have secretly wished you had.
9. The next time a friend or family member asks you how you are
doing, tell them the truth.
10. Accept people that seem a little different. They may be working
on being themselves, just like you.
The rewards of authenticity are having integrity, a sense of
serenity, and abundant energy for the things that you love most!
The interesting thing is that the more authentic you are willing
to be, the more you will draw other authentic people to your life
as well. Being part of a community of people who are willing to
be real with one another frees everyone up to focus on what is truly
important in their lives.
Poonam Sharma, Ph.D. is a licensed psychologist and life
coach in San Antonio, Texas. Dr. Sharma helps people improve
their health, find balance in their lives, and achieve their
most important personal and professional goals. Poonam Sharma,
Ph.D. may be contacted at