By Brenda Shoshanna
Most think that relationships exist to make them happy. When
they find that special person, they believe that love will naturally
grow. But in relationships we encounter everything, challenges,
joy, fulfillment, loss. Yet, despite all training in life, we seldom
learn about the knitty gritty of relationships, how to build the
relationship in a way that brings out the best in all. To start
this process, there are 7 simple laws we can learn and use. These
laws will act as guideposts, helping us to choose wisely and to
avoid costly mistakes.
Law 1 - There is Never a Lack of
Relationships. Relationships are Abundantly Available Wherever You
Many live with the idea that love is scarce -there's not
enough to go around and that they must cling to whatever comes their
way. This idea can cause them to get involved with the wrong person,
or stay in a relationship that is toxic for them. It is crucial
to realize that relationships are plentiful. (If you donï¿½t have
one, it is because you are keeping it away). It is never necessary
to cling to someone out of fear of being alone.
Law 2 - Know Who You Are And
What You Really Want
Many enter relationships hoping that it will give them a life,
or make them feel better about themselves. They may want their partner
to take care of them, or give them the approval theyï¿½ve been denied.
But it is of the utmost importance to know and respect who you
are, to enjoy your own company and be aware of your own values and
goals. Otherwise, you can lost in a relationship, become a pawn
in someone elseï¿½s world.. A healthy relationship is an expression
of two people, both equally valuable. In this kind of relationship
you discover all you have to offer and how to offer it.
Law 3 - Don't Keep Choosing
The Wrong Person For You
Some find, to their amazement, that they choose the same partner,
over and over again. Relationships patterns repeat as well. This
is called the repetition compulsion. It is the unconscious need
to repeat a situation over and over until we master it or it turns
out the way we want it to. This compulsion keeps some people stuck
in a bind. If you are caught in this, see what this pattern is doing
for you. Actively choose different places to go and individuals
who are different from those you usually meet. Become stronger than
the pattern. Turn you life around.
Law 4 - Enjoy Honest Communication
Without the ability to say No, we cannot say Yes. Don't pretend
to be someone you're not to make another happy. Don't give
up that which is meaningful to you for the sake of a friendship.
The bedrock of all happy relationships is mutual respect and acceptance
and open, honest, communication. Ask for what is important to you.
Find out what is really going on for your partner. When a person
really feels listened to and accepted they feel loved.
Law 5 - Donï¿½t Try To Change Or Fix
Let everyone be who they are, including yourself. So many of
us are obsessed with changing or fixing everyone. This is not friendship,
but manipulation. Many believe that if the person cared enough,
they would certainly change for them. This is not so. Changing another
is not your job. Find out who the person you are with really is.
If someone feels accepted, they can change themselves, if they want
Law 6 - Know the Difference Between
Real and Counterfeit Love.
Feeling happy, high, excited or attached to a person, feeling
possessive or dependent is not love. It's infatuation, ego thrills
or dependency, usually based upon fantasy. Inevitably, fantasies
fade. People then feel that the love is over. It is not over, itï¿½s
just been a form of counterfeit love. We must learn the difference
between real and counterfeit love, between love and fantasy.
Counterfeit love always involves struggle and pain. Real love
never does. Real love is a verb. It is not based simply upon feelings,
which come and go, but actions. It is important to learn "to"do
love". Do love and you will be loved. in return.
Law 7 - See the Best In Others -
And In Yourself.
What we see in others, we bring out in them. If we focus upon
their negative points (and let them know about them), you can be
certain the negativity will increase. When we focus upon what is
good in that person and let them know, this brings out the best.
The better a person then feels about themselves, the less need they
have for negativity. Often it can just fall away on its own. Law
7 1/2- The Master Law When They Come We Welcome, When They Go We
Do Not Pursue Understand that each relationship lasts for a certain
time. You've come together to learn from one another, to share,
enjoy and often move along. This is not rejection, but growth and
change. Change is natural and inevitable. Don't see it as failure.
Don't see it as loss. Don't try to control when time comes
to go. Realize that if the person is supposed to be with you longer,
they will return on their own. The greatest art of relationships
is to know how to let go. When someone new comes welcome them, when
it's time to let go, thank the person for all you've received
from them and let go.
Shoshanna has guided hundreds of individuals and couples
to both saving their relationships and being all they were meant
to be./a>, firstname.lastname@example.org